Tuesday, August 14, 2007

sample copy editing for a moving company

The copy discussed below is from a moving and storage company's website. The site is nicely designed, clean, and very easy to navigate.

If this is your company, you should be commended on the great information you've included on your site, including packing tips and pointers for clients anticipating a move.

The copy on your site could be improved by putting spaces (or breaks) between all paragraphs, and shortening some of your longer paragraphs so that the copy is easier for a potential client to read. (Long, dense paragraphs should be avoided.)

I found several spelling errors throughout the site, including at least one on the home page ("About Us"). The word "employee's" should not have an apostrophe. The correct plural is "employees."

I also found several awkward sentences or paragraphs throughout the site, including the following:

Every year [company name withheld] moves thousands of families into new homes and hundreds of corporations into new office space. [Company name withheld] has a reputation for excellence, a reputation built on three basic principles: We provide friendly and reliable service by carefully screening all of our employees we ensure that you get the most dedicated, responsible and service oriented professional in the business.

We are a quality driven, full service organization dedicated to provide our customers with the attention that they demand and deserve.

Our experienced sales team takes the time to listen, which enables them to work with you and to provide the most competitive package that's right for your needs and the moving plan that best suits your budget

In the first sentence, a comma is needed for clarity, and the word "space" should be plural. In the second sentence, the comma is not strong enough - a dash would be preferable. And the list of company principles which follows should be numbered. Without numbers, the valuable points get lost.

As well, the wording of the first point is awkward. Hyphens are needed for the all compound modifiers, and the word "professional" should be pluralized. There's a verb agreement error in the second point. The last sentence should be rewritten, and there's a period missing at the end.

The improved copy would look like this:

Every year [company name withheld] moves thousands of families into new homes, and hundreds of corporations into new office spaces. [Company name withheld] has a reputation for excellence - a reputation built on three basic principles:

1) We provide friendly and reliable service by carefully screening all of our employees to ensure that you get the most dedicated, responsible and service-oriented professionals in the business.

2) We are a quality-driven, full-service organization dedicated to providing our customers with the attention they demand and deserve.

3) Our experienced sales team takes the time to listen, which enables them to work with you to provide the most competitive package that's right for your needs, and the moving plan which best suits your budget.


Why is it important to make corrections like these on your site? Your website may be the first point of contact with potential clients. You obviously value and promote high standards in your business. You have created a beautiful website. But your website copy is sloppy and full of errors, which could leave a very unfavorable impression on potential clients.

I would recommend that you hire a copywriter to proofread and edit your existing copy.

5 comments:

Big Apple said...

Is there a difference between writing copy for a moving company and writing for other companies?
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moving quotes said...

You definitely provide a very useful information for house movers and people that use they services. It is very important to choose the right moving company so the procedure will be less stressful.

Anonymous said...

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chicago moving services said...

This is very interesting. thanks for that. we need more sites like this. i commend you on your great content and excellent topic choices.

David said...

great information, thanks for the post. i will share on the moving companies philadelphia pa website